Martian Invaders and their Pet Dinosaur

Lief woke up with a startle at 3:00 am and found his body awkwardly stretched out on an apologetic mattress. As Lief’s body coiled itself together and the motes of sleep crust parted way for his red eyes, he noticed that his ceiling was having a stroke. It was reverberating mightily to the beats of an unknown melody. While the punk ceiling seemed to be having the time of its life, the same could not be said for the poor spider writhing in a tiny junction between the ceiling and the wall. The spider was screeching in a very spider-like way as it tried to guard its silken cobweb home of five months and the newly-hunted food ration - a blue housefly. The spider was not alone, for the termites behind Lief’s closet were mourning their fallen comrades that had begun splattering on the floor one after the other. The family of mice salvaged themselves by abandoning their posts through the hidden crack beneath Lief's kitchen sink.

Clearly, Lief’s neighbours were awake. Again.

Could Lief have climbed the stairs and knocked on their door to plead his case? Yes. But there was a reason Lief had yet to do that. It started with an article he had read in Trout Magazine. At first, Lief dismissed the article as a sarcastic take on the capitalistic nature of modern-day society. Only after three weeks of deep introspection did Lief realize that the article might be a clandestine advertisement to employ a secret squad to protect Earth. And what if Lief was humanity's last hope? The article in question had the following title: Is Your Neighbour a Lizard from Mars?

Lief’s suspicions had begun long ago as his neighbour’s rowdy routine wreaked havoc on his own. Lief couldn’t see how any human could strictly adhere to the haphazard, chaotic schedule his two upstairs neighbours clung on to. So, the article from Trout Magazine was the necessary push that Lief needed to realize that his upstairs neighbours were not humans at all.

When Lief concluded that his upstairs neighbours were actually Martian invaders and they had a dinosaur for a pet, nobody was willing to believe him. But Lief was adamant that his conclusion was very scientific and had been established through his astute observations of their daily routines that were neatly jotted down in his dusty journal. When even the most light-brained critic (Lief’s own mother) argued that the experiment was inadequately spaced out over just a single day, Lief decided he had enough.

Lief decided to publish his findings as an article in Trout Magazine. In the magazine’s defence, the editor regarded Lief’s research as a scathing attack on the capitalistic nature of our society. The editor treated Lief’s ignorance of basic grammar, paragraphs and sentence structure as a purposeful attack on the capitalistic nature of the English language. The editor confused Lief's personality during their phone call as a necessary attack on the capitalistic nature of human sanity. The editor’s mistake can be attributed to the fact that Trout Magazine’s sole purpose was to attack anything capitalistic. Lief, on the other hand, was extremely serious about his research.

This is what his published research in the magazine said:

Hypothesis - My upstairs neighbours are Martian invaders, and they have a pet dinosaur.

Methodology - I will now recount their daily routine. I will do it as the day progresses.

6:30 am (in the morning) - There is a small wail. It sounds like a hornet. Or a cow. I don't know. I have never heard those animals talk, but the wail definitely sounds like one of those two. It is not an alarm clock because it has lasted for fifteen minutes. Who lets their alarm clock run for fifteen minutes? No human tolerates fifteen minutes of tiditiditiditoo-tiditiditiditoo. Conclusion has to be that these are invaders. Most likely from Mars! The dinosaur walks from the top of my room to the bathroom. One of the invaders follows the dinosaur. The screeching stops. I can now hear my thoughts. I don’t like them.

7:00 am (still in the morning) – Martian invader who took the pet dinosaur to the bathroom cleans themselves now. The water is not from Earth. It cannot be! When the water runs, the whole unit shudders and cries in agony. I asked my landlord. He is a bald dude who looks like Gandalf from one of those movies. Landlord showed me that there was nothing wrong with the water units. So as I grab my falling plates, bowls and coffee cups, I know they teleport water from Mars. Dust was being chipped off the ceiling, so I put a bucket under it. Martian invader singing now. I don’t know the lullaby. The other invader has woken up now. He is preparing for the war training now.

8:00 am-10:00 am (mid-morning) – Silence.

10:00 am (end-morning commencement) – The Martians practice for the inevitable war with Earth. They move their furniture from one room to another. Probably Definitely, weight training. They yell at each other and threw stuff around. Heard the glass break. Probably Definitely a dummy human they use as target practice. They jump up and down. Probably Definitely warm down and cool up. Fire alarm goes off. Probably Definitely containing a nuclear blast.

12:00 pm (beginning of the afternoon) – They are outside my window now. I have my blinds open. I stare at them. They don't stare back. They are repairing their car. But they have been repairing their car for five days. Who repairs cars for five days? This has to be a UFO disguised as a normal car. Because if normal car, why is it repaired every day? Has to be a UFO! They drive off now.

13:00 pm – 19:00 pm (afternoon ends and the evening begins) – Silence.

19:00 pm (evening proceeds to end) - They return with other Martian invaders. There are fifteen of them in total. I am not sure of the actual number. They looked like fifteen. I don't know. I failed algebra in high school. All head upstairs. Loud noises! They all jump up and down upstairs now. Martian training formation? Probably Definitely discussing global invasion plans! I don't understand their language. Or them. I thought at first that their behaviour was simply inhuman, but as it turns out, they are inhuman!

Conclusion - Upstairs neighbours are Martian invaders, and they have a dinosaur as a pet. Further research is needed to count the total number of Martian invaders. If anyone's listening out there, I am ready to protect Earth.

Truth be told, no one was listening out there. And no one needed Lief to protect Earth.